


I'm Fine

by maddiemoiselleeee



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Grounding Technique, Hurt, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance is honestly mentally fucked up, M/M, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Panic Attacks, and best bud Hunk is worried, and boyfriend Keith is just trying to help, antidepressants, brief mention of others - Freeform, conveniently forgets seasons 3&4 happened, i cant believe thats an official tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 14:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddiemoiselleeee/pseuds/maddiemoiselleeee
Summary: At times, Lance is weak. Sometimes, that weakness takes over him, swallowing him like a wave and drowning him. It's an endless turmoil which makes him lose control. Even if someone is there to pull him out of the darkness, it always lurks behind him.His entire body felt numb. His hands would shake, and he would have to quickly catch himself to stop only to have them start shaking like leaves again. His fingernails were mere stubs at this point from chewing them so constantly. Tears kept threatening to spill over his eyes, and each time he would swallow hard and blink them back, refusing to cry.He easily got worked up by the smallest things when his depression hit him hard. The smallest comments would repeat themselves over and over again within his head, making him unable to focus. Given the chance, he would scream at anyone about anything regardless of the nature of the comment. Just one wrong look in his direction made him scan the room for the best way to end himself.





	I'm Fine

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a way to calm myself down from my own panic attack. It's a little hard to read and may contain some triggers, so if you're sensitive to these kinds of things I'd suggest you turn away. It's not all that bad, in my opinion, but I warned you just in case. And I'm sorry if this is not how you view things, as I mentioned this is based on my experiences with it. This is not intended to offend anyone.
> 
> ~~alsoIhadtogooglesomeofthisstuffsoitshouldbeaccurate~~

Lance felt like he was going to throw up.

His entire body felt numb. His hands would shake, and he would have to quickly catch himself to stop only to have them start shaking like leaves again. His fingernails were mere stubs at this point from chewing them so constantly. Tears kept threatening to spill over his eyes, and each time he would swallow hard and blink them back, refusing to cry.

He easily got worked up by the smallest things when his depression hit him hard. The smallest comments would repeat themselves over and over again within his head, making him unable to focus. Given the chance, he would scream at anyone about anything regardless of the nature of the comment. Just one wrong look in his direction made him scan the room for the best way to end himself.

And now, standing outside his lion, which should have been a comfort zone for him, he couldn’t move. He stared at his lion, feeling a sudden sense of hopelessness wash over him. He heard his name being called over the communications system on his helmet, but he let it drop to the ground with a loud thud.

As if he’d been kicked in the stomach, Lance jumped back and gasped in a deep, shaky breath. His pulse suddenly picked up. He couldn’t think straight. All he knew was that he had to get out of there, _now_.

Before he could run away, however, he heard angry footsteps approaching him from behind. When he turned, he saw Keith strutting towards him with large strides while he ripped his helmet off of his head. “What the hell, Lance? We’re all wait—”

He never finished that sentence, because when he saw tears roll out of wide, frightened eyes, he grew worried, approaching Lance with smaller, gentler steps. “Lance? What’s wrong?”

“You have to move,” Lance gasped, his breathing turning into short, erratic spurts. “I need to leave! I need to get out of here!” He yelled as if he were being physically injured right now.

Keith finally reached Lance, making the latter try and turn around and cover his face. Keith was quicker than he was, however, and grabbed his wrists before he could get very far, squeezing hard enough to get Lance’s attention. “Lance, I need you to calm down and tell me what’s wrong. You’re going to start hyperventilating.”

Just as he was saying that, Lance’s breaths became shorter and more erratic. He felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. Keith quickly pushed Lance to the floor despite his sobs and cupped his hands over Lance’s mouth, urging him to take deeper breaths. Tears kept streaming down his face and inevitably onto Keith’s hands, but if he cared, he didn’t show it.

When his breathing wasn’t slowing down, perhaps even getting worse, Keith kept one hand cupped over Lance’s mouth while moving the other one to stroke his hair as he whispered sweet nothings to Lance. His face was inches away from Lance’s, and all Lance could look at were his eyes that flickered with concern.

Despite feeling like he was about to pass out, Lance’s breathing did slow down enough that Keith could remove his hand from his mouth to cup his face. “You’re okay. You’re safe.” Keith whispered, making Lance bite back the feeling of hyperventilating again. He felt like he was going to throw up again, but when Keith wrapped his arms around him and rested his jaw on his shoulder, he swallowed hard to fight the urge.

“Tell me five things that you see.” Keith instructed in a gentle whisper.

Lance took in a deep, shaky breath and nodded. “You. My lion. A ceiling tile. The door. The light fixture on the wall.”

“Good, good job.” Keith said, rubbing small circles on Lance’s back. “Four things you can touch. Try and be specific.” he encouraged.

“Your hair. Your armor. The floor. Your skin.” Lance said, taking slower, deeper breaths as he went, his eyes flicking around the room to try and find other things. There wasn’t much to see in the hangar.

“You’re doing to well. Three things you can hear.”

“Your heartbeat. My heartbeat. The ship groaning.” Lance mumbled, his breath picking up for a short moment only to be slowed again.

“Perfect. You’re so perfect. Two things you can smell. This one’s harder, so take as much time as you need.” Keith told him, squeezing him a little harder.

Lance almost panicked again when he couldn’t think of things to smell. However, when he pressed his nose into Keith’s neck, he sighed softly in relief. “Your scent. The inside of the lion.” He said.

“You’re amazing. Now, one more. What can you taste?” He asked, pressing their cheeks together.

Lance searched his mouth for any residual taste. “Food goo.” He answered.

“You’re incredible.” Keith told him, pulling away a little bit to face him again. Lance got scared for a moment and clutched at his forearms, making Keith give a soft laugh. “I’m not going anywhere. Are you feeling better?” He asked, cupping Lance’s face gently.

The question was simple. _I'm fine. Thank you, Keith._ Is what Lance should have answered. Then, this could have all been over. They could go back to training and everything would be fine.

However, Lance had to overcomplicate everything and make everyone else’s lives more difficult. He choked out a sob, tossing his arms around Keith as he bawled like a baby. The baby he knew he was. One who got worked up over _literally nothing_ and would whine and cry until someone gave him attention. He didn't deserve to be considered depressed, he was just _whiny_.

Keith simply held Lance and stroked his hair, assuring him everything would be okay, that he was safe. He thought he might be able to pull away and say something, but when the hangar doors swished open again and he saw the other 5 inhabitants of the castle walk in, he lost it again and moved to hide himself in Keith's chest.

He heard so many people call out to them, and each sound made something boil up inside of him again. He was definitely going to puke, he just hoped he could hold it back long enough to do it somewhere else.

At the insistence of Hunk, everyone left, leaving the two paladins alone while making Lance feel better and worse at the same time. He was so confused at his feelings and very frustrated that he internally beat himself up all the time. People had legitimate reasons to be depressed, and he just didn't think his were worth it.

Keith silently urged him to his feet and guided him towards the door, leading him down long hallways towards his room. They had to stop at one point so Lance could throw up in the middle of a corridor, only adding to his feelings of uselessness. Keith rubbed his back through the armor and assured him it was okay and that this wasn't his fault. Lance begged to differ but he was starting to feel too numb to care. He wished he could feel this numb all the time, life would be so much easier.

They reached his room, and by the time they got there Lance had calmed down significantly. He wasn't crying anymore, though he still had some harsh hitches of the breath. He was physically and mentally numb and wouldn't mind laying down on the floor and dying. He was only half joking. Maybe less.

He was too numb to do much more than take off his armor with some help from Keith and put on his normal baseball tee, leaving him in just black boxers and the shirt. He sat on the edge of his bed as if waiting for instructions from Keith.

Still in full armor, Keith kneeled in front of Lance so he was a little below eye level. Hands instantly went to Lance’s thighs, making him shudder. “Do you want to talk about what just happened, or do you want to sleep first?” Keith asked in a very gentle tone.

After a brief moment of hesitation, Lance sighed. “Can I… sleep first? I'm exhausted.” He whispered brokenly.

Keith nodded, stretching up to press a chaste kiss into his lips. “Anything you need. I love you so much.” He said.

“I love you too.” Lance sighed, then laid down in his bed to internalize until he passed out from exhaustion.

 

“How’s he doing?” Lance heard Hunk ask, which roused him from his sleep.

“Not great,” Keith responded, almost making Lance tense up. He stayed as still as possible though so he could eavesdrop. “He threw up once and calmed down a little after that. I haven't seen him get this bad in a while.”

“Yeah, it's pretty scary. He was on some serious antidepressants back home. He clearly can't get access to them while we're in space. It messes him up pretty bad, he's only been like this a handful of times.” Hunk explained.

“I hate seeing him like this,” Keith sighed. “I just feel so useless. I want to help him and I just don't know how.”

“Being there for him, that helps a lot. Sometimes he just needs to cycle through this, and all we can do is stand back and watch.” Hunk said grimly. “He just starts thinking he’s worthless, which he's not, and it snowballs from there. He doesn't like asking for help, either, which is a horrible combination. He hates being seen as weak.”

“The grounding technique you told me about, that seemed to help a lot.” Keith told him.

“Did it? I'm glad.” Hunk said with a genuinely warm tone. “Keep looking out for him, Keith. And if anything happens, let me know. I worry about him, especially after he…”

Lance couldn't see either of them, but he was sure Hunk’s nose was wrinkled and he was making vague hand gestures. Lance wished he would just say it as it was. _Attempted suicide._ That wasn't hard.

“Yeah, yeah I get it. Trust me, you'll be the first to know. Thanks, big guy.” Keith said, and Lance heard what sounded like a shoulder pat.

The door swished shut and he heard Keith moving, but he had no idea where he was going no idea where he was going until he felt the bed dip. Long fingers brushed his short bangs away from his forehead. He assumed Keith still thought he was asleep until he spoke up. “How much of that did you hear?”

He could pretend to still be asleep, but Keith knew him better than he knew himself. “Most of it, I think. At least where you started talking about me.”

“Everyone's worried about you. Coran and Allura don't really understand what's going on, but they asked about you. Shiro’s been here at least five times, and Pidge sent a drone to come check in case you wanted to be alone.”

 _They don't really care about me._ “How long was I out?” Lance asked, rolling over to meet Keith's gaze.

“I think you should go get some food and then come back and sleep more.” Keith said without answering.

 _So everyone can watch me with pity in their eyes. Don't waste food on unimportant people._ “I'm not really hungry.”

Keith frowned, but didn't try to argue. _See, he doesn't care. You're a nuisance. Just another thing to cross of his list._

“Alright, that's fine. So… do you want to talk about it?” Keith asked slowly.

 _What is there to talk about? Wastes of spaces don't deserve any valid feelings._ “It wasn't a big deal. Just forget about it.” _And me._

“Are you sure? It seemed like a big deal to me.” When Lance gave him a deadpan expression, he continued. “I won't push. Just know, we're all here for you, Lance. We love you, and if you aren't okay, we will help.”

_He's lying._

Lance smiled brokenly. “I'm fine.”


End file.
